Impairment as a defense response to fear of abandonment: How to stop being afraid of being alone

Fear of abandonment is one of the most common fears that can arise in anyone at any age. It is born of despair at our inability to control the future and influence the actions of our partner that we consider vital to us. However, instead of working on the quality of the relationship, many people choose to devalue their partner as a defensive reaction against the fear of being abandoned.

The Illusion of Control

The devalued person is no longer a danger to us, ceases to matter, and it’s easier to end the relationship. And no relationship means no fear of being abandoned and betrayed. And so, we gain the illusion of control over the situation. However, the price we pay for this illusion of control is the absence of satisfying relationships and the constant experience of loneliness.

Selfish behavior

For all that, this behavior is selfish because it seeks only to take from others from a position of “they must meet my expectations,” “they are responsible for my well-being.” It is difficult to create good relationships on this shaky ground.

Relationships are an important part of any person’s life, and in relationships we meet our needs. Accordingly, while we are still in a relationship, it means that our needs continue to be met. And, of course, no one guarantees that they will last until death. If our needs in a relationship are not met, what is the point of the relationship?

Fear comes from childhood

Clients often come to me dissatisfied with their relationships, devaluing relationships, and behind all this I see the fear of being vulnerable, the anxious expectation of being abandoned. This fear comes from childhood, when the relationship with parents was extremely unstable and even dangerous, devaluing. It’s understandable that if you beat a dog all the time, it will shy away from even a wave of the hand that’s about to pet it.

Alternative Thinking Skills

A traumatized person needs to develop alternative thinking skills, to step out of the tunnel of their habitual beliefs, to learn to relate their perceptions to the facts of reality. To what extent the person has overcome this in himself can tell the quality of his life and relationships, the degree of satisfaction.

Opinion of experts

“Fear of abandonment can occur in any person, but instead of choosing to devalue a partner as a defensive reaction, you need to work on the quality of relationships and develop alternative thinking skills,” says psychologist Maria Ivanova.

“Partner devaluation is selfish behavior that does not allow you to create a good relationship and satisfy your needs in it,” notes interpersonal relations expert Andrei Petrov.

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