Love correspondence in secret from your partner: 6 possible reasons

Messengers have become an integral part of our lives. We spend so much time on the phone that sometimes messaging goes beyond friendly or professional communication, taking on a frankly romantic tone. But what could be the reason for this? We tell our heroes and a psychologist discusses.

1. Lack of attention

“It started when he left a comment under my post,” says Olga, 27. – We got into a little discussion in a joking way. I clicked on his page – he seemed like an interesting and, let’s face it, nice guy. At the end of the day he wrote me a private message and that’s how the correspondence began. I have a boyfriend, but I decided there was nothing wrong with that. With my new acquaintance I have a common hobby – fantasy.

But gradually he began to ask me how my day was, to write nice words, to compliment my appearance. I do not tell the young man about it. A year ago I had a similar correspondence on the Internet, which led nowhere. I don’t want to cheat and lose our relationship. Dating a virtual acquaintance offline is not in my plans. But… I like attention to me as a woman, which is lacking in normal life from a guy.

Sometimes the need for affirmation that you are important and loved is so strong that it can hardly be satisfied by one partner, and a person enters into another relationship, which gives him the main thing – a flow of attention. Correspondence allows you to quickly raise your self-esteem, if deep down inside you are constantly tormented by the question – am I beautiful, smart, interesting enough? And, as a consequence, will I continue to be accepted and loved?

As a rule, in this case, it does not get serious development and does not go off-line, because the person who writes himself is not interesting. He is only a function to deal with inner doubts. Correspondence highlights the main thing – the inability to lean on oneself and the need to compensate for insecurities with compliments from outside.

2. Distrust of the partner

“I was in love with her and thought our relationship had a future, until one day I discovered that she was texting with someone else,” says Artem, 34. – It turned out by chance. At first I thought to just leave without explanation, cut out of my life and not respond to her calls, but it was hard, and after a couple of days I realized – I need to talk. I want to understand why she betrayed me, because she said she loved me. And, most importantly, I felt it, it’s impossible to play that.

Her explanation left me stumped. She said she did it because she couldn’t fully rely on me. She’s been betrayed in the past, and she doesn’t believe our relationship has a future. I do not know whether it is true … Then it turns out that once burned, she tried to protect herself just in case an ersatz of some other relationships. We broke up.”

Often this kind of correspondence is really an attempt to buy symbolic insurance against the collapse of a relationship in order to easily jump into another one.

Such psychological defenses often arise from experiences with her parents, when a girl received messages from her mother that all men were unfaithful and could not be relied upon. The mother could either speak openly or broadcast in a veiled form when the daughter saw her suffering after a breakup with her father or other men.

3. reluctance for confrontation

“I correspond with another girl because I don’t want conflict with my girlfriend,” says Andrew, 29. – She is very jealous and controls all my actions. I don’t want to offend her, but I don’t want to give up communication with other people either. So I correspond in secret”.

This behavior may be caused by a reluctance to confront or a fear of losing a partner. The person is afraid that if they tell the truth, it could lead to a breakup. However, by hiding his correspondence, he creates a false impression and violates trust in the relationship.

4. Willingness to experiment

“I like my boyfriend, but sometimes I want something new,” says Elena, 25. – I correspond with other guys to diversify my life. Nothing serious, just for fun.”

Such behavior can be caused by a desire to experiment or get to know oneself better. The person wants to try something new, but doesn’t want to risk their primary relationship. However, this behavior can lead to a breakup with a partner if he or she finds out about the correspondence.

5. Playing on feelings

“I corresponded with a girl I liked, but she didn’t notice me,” says Maxim, 32. – I thought that if I texted her every day, she would pay attention to me. But it didn’t work out. I realized that I was playing on her feelings and it was wrong.

This behavior can be caused by wanting to get the attention of someone who shows no interest in us. However, such playing on feelings can lead to disappointment and loss of trust from others.

6. Dependence on correspondence

“I correspond with different people every day and I can’t stop,” says Olya, 23. – I like to feel attention to myself, receive compliments and just communicate. But I understand that it has already become an addiction and interferes with my life in reality.”

This behavior can be caused by an addiction to social media and texting. A person cannot stop and is constantly looking for new interlocutors in order to get a dose of emotional lift. However, this addiction can lead to disconnection from real life and problems in personal relationships.


Addiction to social media and texting can be a serious problem that interferes with a normal life in reality. People can become fixated on getting an emotional boost from online communication and lose contact with the real world. Therefore, it is important to learn to control the time spent in social networks, and not to forget about real relationships and communication with loved ones.

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